The Crucible Spoiler Contest

June 20, 2013 at 7:25 am | Posted in Books, Contest, Humor, Star Wars, Star Wars Books | Leave a comment
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Yesterday we posted that author Troy Denning is holding a spoiler contest for his upcoming Star Wars book, Crucible. The rules are pretty simple: post a fake spoiler for Crucible (no real spoilers allowed!) and whoever gets the most likes on their make believe spoiler gets an autographed copy of Crucible. Participants have until Friday around 8 or 10 PM CDT to enter. Since it’s a matter of votes, the sooner you enter, the better your chances are.

To help give readers an idea of who to vote for, we’ve collected some of our favorites below, but you can read them all here and here (as there are now two official entry posts).

From the first post

Jason Spieth: The true protagonist of the story is a Mandalorian dressed in fabulous armor who is a fine judge and purveyor of choice intoxicants.

Ryan Zinno: Waru makes a surprise appearance in the climax of the novel as the unseen antagonist. Waru plans to conquer the galaxy and kill the Big Three alongside his army of Ewoks. Han still shoots first though, no worries.

Joseph Powell: Lando Calrissian finally fulfills his lifelong dream of producing and starring in musical theater. His first musical, co-written with Han Solo, is a father-son coming-of-age story taking place in the seedy world of gambling and spice-running, but ends happily with a bombastic display packed with droids and Ewoks.

Greg Lemons: Luke pumps his fist and screams “now THIS is podracing!” And everyone else is like “Dude. No, get out.” And Luke gets kicked out of Star Wars.

Richard Taveira: Mara is re-incarnated as a Hawk-Bat and Luke buys her from a Hutt on Tatooine who claims to be Jabba, he wears a tophat and speaks basic with a Chicago Gangster Accent. After Mara and Luke are reunited they join Han and Leia on an adventure to find the best outfit for Allana’s Birthday Party that will take place on the Garrison Moon of Kessel where she meets the “dark voice” in her head whom turns out to be Wicket Wystri Warrick who is now a Dark Lord of the Sith and lives with his fellow Ewoks in exile on Hoth. Their search for warmer clothes ends as Han and Luke kill another Tauntaun and show them how bad they REALLY smell.

Alexander Rybak: At the end of the book it is revealed that Luke and Leia have been secretly married for the past 40 years.

Lisa Schapira: I heard that Luke, Han and Leia were forced to sit down and take an essay test about the history of their lives. This book showcases each of their essays and at the end they retire to rebuild Jabba’s palace as a fortress for galactic historians.

Ian White: Luke ends up in Federation Space. Spock becomes his padawan learner.

Ross Poskitt: If you read it backwards under UV light while standing on one foot with your left hand raised in a Spock style salute and you are listening to Dell’s Customer Service hold music on an endless loop…You’re bloody insane!

Admirål Ackbar: The ghost of Admiral Ackbar warns Luke that something is a trap.

Cory Voyek: Crucible ends will Luke finishing a bedtime story being read to his child:

“Why do all these stories say I’m a boy named Ben, Dad?”

“I’m not sure Nomi. Maybe it’s because we wanted to keep your identity safe from Darth Plagueis. You know how difficult it’s been for Jedi since your Grandpa saved me from the Emperor.” Luke said.

Nomi rubbed her eyes as she pulled the covers over her shoulders, “Dad, when will I be a Jedi Knight?” Nomi asked.

“When the time is right dear, when the time is right.”

The final page says: Follow the rest of the story in theaters in 2015 with Star Wars: Episode VII The New Jedi Order!

Juliann Gianotti Zimmer: Leia wakes up the morning after the Ewok party at the end of ROTJ and says to Han, who’s coming out of the shower in a towel, “Whoa, no more Ewok ale for me. I had the strangest dream…”
And the entire EU is erased with a stroke of Troy’s pen.

Julian Owens: A certain robot from Star Wars: The Clone Wars makes an appearance with a certain former Doctor Who doing the read for the audio book.

Travis Theis: Han Solo is taking a shower, and when he reaches out to wipe his face on a shaggy towel, that’s not a towel, it’s a wookie!!!

Ed Hayden: In reading the author page we learn Steven Spielberg and Troy Denning are the same person.

Audrey Mayall: Jaina comes to her senses and divorces Jag and finally marries Kyp Durron!

Jeffrey Ferguson: C-3PO, R2-D2, and Prince Plooz time-warp 100 years into the future, only to find themselves on Endor during a peace summit between Chief Chirpa and King Gorneesh.

Sara Zeman: Nick Fury shows up in the epilogue to recruit Han for the Avengers Initiative.

Peter Morrison: Where it is revealed the entire Expanded Universe is a dream Luke had in the bacta tank on Hoth.

Aaron Goins: At the end Han, Luke, Leia, and Boba Fett collectively decide to take Getelles’ youth serum so they can have all new adventures for years to come.

Emily Dabney: Drizzt Do’urden drops a moon on Han Solo.

Sam Whitaker: Zekk cuts his hair. Turns out that was what was holding the universe together. Oops.

Morgan Bambling: We find out that vestari Kai is pregnant with Ben skywalkers first son and Luke becomes a grandfather.

Jaina Solo Gallantara: We learn Padme faked her death and lived through the Rebellion as a stripper.

And my personal favorite…

Ryan Bowling: It is revealed that Jar-Jar, through means unknown, has survived and become a king of many worlds in the Unknown Regions, rivaling the Chiss with his Meesa-bots. Joining forces with the Vagaari (under the command of the suddenly-evil-for-five-years-or-however-long-the-book-or-series-lasts Yuuzhan Vong), he and legions of ponies (Because Troy Denning is a Brony, we all know it) assault the fledgling Jedi Order, destroying its many bases and enslaving many of its Jedi. But this is only the beginning!

Revealing that Jar-Jar was his tool the entire time, Waru’s evil brother from another dimension now descends upon our heroes and seeks revenge for the death of his brother many years ago. (Did I mention that Braru (I can make anything bro-ey by putting ‘br’ in front of it) looks like Ahsoka Tano and C-3PO combined?)

Vordis Korrupto Starkiller (now a Hutt in its woman stage) offers refuge to our heroes for a final battle, joining Sith, Mandalorians, Jedi, Chiss (see I did bring them back up) and Imperials together for a final battle. Will our heroes survive? Will Jar Jar creates ultimate evil by riding a pony with Waru? Will Troy Denning royally screw with the Star Wars universe? Find out… in Crucible.

From the second post

Chris Picone: an Ewok Jedi saves the universe…..

Michael Falkner: Luke, Han, and Leia *finally* get a chance to use the restroom between threats to the galaxy… and spend the entire book there after a bad trip to Dex’s Diner.

Sean Smith: Luke begins a new business venture called “SkyPies” – a galactic bakery that caters only to those loyal to the Republic. It is constantly under scrutiny from the health inspectors of the former Empire. (trick ending – the apples in their MacinSith Apple Pies are really artificially flavored peaches.)

Jason Muñoz: Luke decides the Order needs to establish its own government. He moves to Dathomire acquires female concubines and becomes a despot. Ben becomes his Force Pimp, Jaina kills them both and Jag after walking in on a Caligula-like orgy involving the Skywalker men, Jag 15 Dathmorii women an Ewok and a Bith band.

Joseph Powell: Luke and the gang have an epic galaxy-spanning battle with the Daleks while Mal Reynolds, piloting the USS Enterprise, destroys the Cylon Army with Iron Man and the Power Rangers.

Matt Anderson: Mirror universe is discovered and leaks over. This universe is based on sister power of the Force called the Farce, a younger but whimsical power. A powerful new Farce-sensitive race is thrust into middle of the battle between good and evil, the Joakunyuians, and a good and evil must ultimately ban together to repel the invaders before the entire universe implodes from jocularity, mirth and all around whoopee. 10 book series at a minimum with at least 1 book centered on the discovery of the Hutts can become Farce-sensitive but only after becoming chemically inebriated…

Kristin Reed Treado: Han, Luke, and Leia restore peace to the galaxy and they all live happily ever after…

James M. Ward: Luke finds out that there are far too many things the FORCE doesn’t work on as he tries to convince a spaceship mechanic to fix the fluxor unit on his ship when the mechanic says there is nothing wrong with the fluxor unit.

John Cartellone: Chewie didn’t die and is a secret Sith Lord that Han must kill to save C3PO.

Be sure to vote for your favorite.

Posted By: Skuldren for Roqoo Depot.

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