Conspiracy Report: What Will Disney Cancel Next?

March 25, 2013 at 9:09 am | Posted in Conspiracy Report, Disney, Entertainment, Episode VII, Humor, Movies, Opinion, Regular Feature, Star Wars, Star Wars: The Old Republic, Television, The Clone Wars, Video Games | 4 Comments

We live in interesting times. Star Wars Episode VII is on the distant horizon with a pile of Star Wars films behind it. And then there’s this mouse going around throwing away all our toys while we’re distracted. The 3D re-releases, Star Wars 1313, Detours, The Clone Wars…it’s enough to drive a distraught Hutt swan-diving into the nearest sarlacc.

As any good conspiracist, we’re focusing all our immense wealth and resources (two refurbished mouse droids and a for-hire Gamorrean private eye who works for food) on what the mouse plans to target next. So, we called up our inside source Pluto to find out what Disney will cancel next. You won’t believe what we found out.

According to good old Pluto, the house of mouse has a list of items they’re crossing off one by one. While we’ve already seen quite a few projects marked off already, there are still five high priorities left for the trash bin.

1. Star Wars: The Old Republic

Remember that conference call Disney released way back during the hype of the sequel trilogy announcement? Disney mentioned they wouldn’t be focusing on any console games, rather social gaming. Well Pluto has it on good authority that the house of mouse has their eyes on the Star Wars: The Old Republic MMORPG.

Look at it from a corporate perspective. First off, they’re giving the game away! Free is never good. That’s like rule number two in the how-to-stay-rich guide. Secondly, the game received quite a lot of press on its dwindling numbers. The game makers were hoping to usurp the mighty World of Warcraft, but like everyone else so far, they’ve fallen short. The house of mouse can’t afford to look weak right now. A flailing, expensive MMORPG is a DISTRACTION. And we all know the mouse’s motto on those.

“Distraction? KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!”

Alas, Star Wars: The Old Republic will be going the way of The Clone Wars. Soon you’ll be hearing about bonus content and the next thing you know…poof…it’s gone.

2. Star Wars LEGO

I know what you’re thinking: LEGO is an unstoppable beast that even Disney can’t touch. I mean, these guys put together a video game with no dialog and completely based on their own merchandise like one endless, shameless plug, and it sold like crazy. As if that weren’t good enough, they put ridiculously expensive prices on their products AND PEOPLE BUY THEM! When it comes to business, LEGO knows what they’re doing. Those plastic blocks are marketing gold. Heck, they even invaded television with LEGO shows and Star Wars specials.

But LEGO made a mistake. Someone forgot to read the memo the mouse sent around, the one that read “2013 is the year of ramping up to Episode VII.” Maybe LEGO didn’t understand that the ramp was made out of no-longer-needed Star Wars entities. It’s the old medieval approach to business. You build your ramp on the carcasses of your fallen troops. Victory isn’t free, after all.

As we understand it, the last straw was when Mickey accidentally stepped on a LEGO when the lights were turned out. “That’s it! No more LEGOs!”

However, Pluto also informs us that LEGO isn’t giving up without a fight. They have started what they’re calling the ‘Yoda Initiative’, a secret program to undermine Episode VII by DISTRACTING everyone with Yoda products: Yoda LEGO toys, Yoda books, Yoda tv specials, the works.

In the months to come, it’s going to get heated as the mouse engages Yoda in a deadly duel for attention supremacy.

3. Star Wars Weekends

Just when you thought it was safe to go to Disney Land, they take away Star Wars Weekends. Why, it’s a DISTRACTION from Star Wars Land! Disney can’t have non-Episode VII guests at the park showing people how fun OLD STAR WARS is. Disney is all about NEW STAR WARS. If you’re going to sing-a-long, it better be an Episode VII tune. And don’t expect any Jedi Academies teaching kids about the old ways of the Force. We live in the future, and that’s were the house of mouse is heading. All roads lead to Episode VII.

Now canceling Star Wars Weekends is no easy matter. They can’t just put up a website announcement saying it’s gone. No no no, that would be way too abrupt. Heck, that would almost be a DISTRACTION in itself. The mouse is too smart for that. Instead, expect to see Star Wars Weekends winding down into Saturday only events. “We’re packing in twice the fun and all into one day! You’ll save money plus time!” As people begin to adjust to the new propaganda–er–advertising, they’ll roll out with phase two: Star Wars Saturday Mornings!

I think we can all see where this is going.

4. Star Tours

Deep breaths. Take it in nice and slow. Remember, we mentioned Star Wars Land. It’ll all be fine. A whole theme park devoted to Star Wars rides, merchandise and people dressed up as your favorite Episode VII characters. Unfortunately Episode VII isn’t out right now, so you’ll just have to be patient as Disney finishes up their surveys on whether it’s a viable venture. They’ve still got to buy real estate, fire up some contracts, design attractions, close down Star Tours.

Wait. What’s that about Star Tours closing down? Pluto, tell us you’re joking.

Oh, we wish it were so. But like Star Wars Weekends, Star Tours is a DISTRACTION. How can consumers look forward to even the idea of Star Wars Land if they’re attention is divided by this awesome Star Wars ride that’s already in a Disney theme park? For that reason alone, it’s got to go.

No detail escapes the mouse’s attention.

5. StarWars.com

The official Star Wars site? It doesn’t make sense. We asked Pluto the same thing, but he assured us that StarWars.com is Enemy Number 1 on the chopping block. Almost 99% of all their content is non-Episode VII related, and we know how the mouse feels about DISTRACTIONS. Worse yet, StarWars.com churns out this non-Episode VII content on a daily basis. Not only do they post these DISTRACTIONS on StarWars.com, but on social media as well.

Unfortunately Mickey isn’t very good at producing content. Plus it’s way too soon to start revealing the GREATNESS THAT IS EPISODE VII, so they can’t take over the site and fill it full of that Episode VII goodness. The next best thing? Get rid of it. It’s way cheaper to just toss it away than to pour all that money, time and effort on something that’s churning out 99% of stuff you don’t care about.

Fans can expect to head on over to Disney.com and Disney’s Twitter page in order to get all their Star Wars news in the future. Breaking news will be announced via business chats with Bob Iger on CNBC and relevant updates will trickle down, month-to-month on the internet. But hey, look on the bright side: you won’t be distracted by all that non-Episode VII Star Wars junk. Just think, Star Wars fans will be able to use all their new free time for stuff other than Star Wars!

Disclosure: All information included in this article came straight from the dog’s mouth. We here at Roqoo Depot stand behind Pluto 110%, so if you have any doubts about Pluto’s credibility, please go after him first. Preferably just go after him period. We’re just the messengers after all.

Posted By: Skuldren for Roqoo Depot.