Conspiracy Report: Begun The Junk Wars Have

July 26, 2012 at 2:32 pm | Posted in Conspiracy Report, Humor, Opinion, Regular Feature, Speculation, Star Wars Books | Leave a comment

Once again we’ve sent out our Kubaz spies to scour the galaxy for breaking news and tantalizing rumors (Bothan spies are overrated anyways). This week they’ve come back with some startling information on Paul S. Kemp’s secretive Star Wars duology.

Sometime next year we’ll get to see the first book in Paul S. Kemp’s yet-to-be-revealed Star Wars duology. We don’t know much about Paul’s two books yet…or do we? In an interview with Civilian Reader, Kemp mentioned that the duology will be hardcover. Del Rey Editor Frank Parisi described it as “a very ambitious project.” We know we’ll get a Big 3 novel from Denning next year in the form of Crucible. We’ll also be getting Dawn of the Jedi: Into the Void by Tim Lebbon, and The Last Jedi by Michael Reaves and Maya Kaathryn Bohnhoff.

We’ve spent many hours extrapolating the known data and meditating on the fumes of old Star Wars novels in order to ascertain what it could all mean. Our conclusion is this: Paul S. Kemp’s duology will be a story about Squibs.

A fitting example of a daring Squib field commander ready for battle.

Exhibit A: Paul S. Kemp utilizes bizarre characters in his stories. From a Sith in love with his Twi’lek slave to incestuous Umbaran twins with rare Force gifts, he’s covered quite the range of characters. He’s also written about clones, time travel, and sentient Rakatan computer monsters. And this is just his Star Wars material. You should see what he does in his other works. For someone whose written about these things in Star Wars to suddenly do something “ambitious,” it must be something that will truly raise the bar.

Poised among the masses, Squib shadow agents can be ready to strike at any moment.

Exhibit B: If you’ve had the pleasure of following Paul on Facebook or Twitter, then you know he’s a person of great wit. His last novel, The Hammer and the Blade was one of his funniest novels yet. Thus we are predicting his upcoming duology will have humor. Ambition. Humor. This leads us to…

A deadly Jawa sniper takes aim at an unsuspecting Squib.

Exhibit C: Squibs. Squibs were brought to life and utilized by none other than Troy Denning. They even appeared as recently as the Fate of the Jedi series. Christie Golden did a marvelous job with the little rodents, and it is thus inevitable that they will be passed along to Paul. After all, Troy will be busy with the Big 3 in Crucible.

Paul has also written little people before, though it was in his Forgotten Realms work. There he utilized a halfling named Jak (halflings are hobbits, more or less). And speaking of the Forgotten Realms, both Troy and Paul have written there. In fact Paul utilized a lot of Troy’s characters in his Erevis Cale series. Therefore it is inevitable that Paul will borrow the Squibs for their greatest adventure yet.

The power hungry leader of the Squib Empire.

As you can see, our evidence is startling clear, unquestionably solid you could even say. But our understanding goes even further. Behold what we’ve deduced!

Paul S. Kemp’s untitled duology will be called The Junk War Duology. It will feature a war between Squibs and Jawas, both races warring for control of the galaxy’s junk. Picture the back blurb: “The Galaxy’s trash is someone else’s treasure in this action packed tale of bartering, backstabing, and little critter warfare!” It’s literary gold. Fans may have rejoiced at the scenes of Ewoks battling stormtroopers in Return of the Jedi, but their minds will implode at the sheer awesomeness of Squibs and Jawas doing battle. It’s inevitable that the Jawas will seek to employ vicious war droids to bolster their meager numbers. With ties to Tatooine, they’ll get assistance from the Hutt cartels and vast criminal enterprises.

The feared Jawa warlord: supreme commander of the tribes, subjugator of the sand people, and now conqueror of Tatooine.

Against such a formidable threat, the Squibs will be hard pressed to keep their edge. Fresh off their conquest of the Ugors, they’ll have to pull in favors with the Jedi as they strive to preserve their empire of junk. The galaxy will swirl into an ever maddening spiral of chaos as forces clash. Jedi versus Hutts, Squibs versus Jawas, droids versus Waru. Wait. Waru? Yes, Waru! The only way for the Squibs to win their battle for galactic junk supremacy will be to invoke the dreaded power of Waru. Summoning him from another dimension, Waru will arrive to smite the cowering Jawas and powerless Hutts. The only thing to stop him will be the shocked surprise of the Jedi as they turn against their former Squib allies in order to save the galaxy!

I know, it’s hard to take in at first, but this is what ambition is all about. Squibs and Jawas, the ultimate underdog showdown. Trust us, the wait until next year will be well worth it.

Never underestimate a Jawa ambush.

Posted By: Skuldren for Roqoo Depot. When left in the dark, we speculate like Nimbanese stockbrokers.

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