Ewok Fantasies: Saluting Sith Sinks Ships

May 11, 2012 at 11:15 am | Posted in Ewok Fantasies, Humor, Opinion | Leave a comment

As Star Wars fans, we all have our own delusional fantasies about Star Wars. Mine typically involve Ewoks. Starting this week I’m launching a new column entitled Ewok Fantasies that will take a closer look at crazy ideas from Star Wars fandom. To kick things off, I’m going to look at at the officer material of the Sith and their outstanding qualities as commanders.

Fire up your imaginations and picture in your mind the perfect army in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. Did you envision an army of Ewoks led by Hutts and complemented with Jawa commandos? Probably not. However, I know for a fact some people have envisioned an army of Imperials. Honestly, Imps make good soldiers. They’re obedient, relentless, and have plenty of experience in the military. Yet they lack a certain skill when it comes to special forces operations. Most Imp special ops fail spectacularly.

This is where the Mandalorians come in. Ah yes, I bet a few of you imagined a whole army of Mandos, tromping across the galaxy in their invincible armor. The problem with that scenario is that the Mandos don’t have the numbers to make a massive army. They do have the skills, talents, and numbers to form a great little special forces group, though. Take that army of Imperials, toss in the Mando special forces, and now you’re talking! But let’s be honest, Imperials make terrible officers. Most of them are incompetent and bigoted. Furthermore, most Imperial officers are doomed to fail. Mandalorians generally aren’t too much better in the officer role as they’re more interested in blowing stuff up and killing everyone. The list of Mandalorian tactical geniuses is pretty small. Their idea of galactic conquest is: hey, let’s attack the Republic with no allies! Oya!

With our nearly unstoppable army of Imperials complemented with Mandalorian special forces commandos, there’s only one proper choice of officer, right? Sith. Wait a second…Sith? Yes, it’s time to wave the delusional flag (or cue the dancing delusional Ewok). Maybe we were a little out there with the Imp army and Mando spec ops, but hey, there was some sound reasoning there. But Sith officers? I get that Sith can use the Force and that’s a huge advantage. I also understand that Sith are way better at warfare than Jedi because they have no problems unleashing destruction on the battlefield. However, Sith are terrible leaders. They constantly backstab each other for advancement because their Sith teachings, regardless of era, urges them to obtain power. An officer corps that is constantly working against itself is doomed to fail. Honestly I don’t know how any Sith army manages to survive past a year with their scheming. Not to mention that the Sith officers would be more than happy with Pyrrhic victories squandering their manpower.

But hey, this is fantasy land, if you want Sith leading your fictional uber army, so be it. I’m sure Maul would make a great artillery captain as he runs off to engage the enemy in hand-to-hand combat leaving his troops behind to fend for themselves. Dooku is the perfect general as he leads from the rear and runs off at the nearest sign of danger. Might as well have Plagueis as commander-in-chief, meticulously moving his pawns across the galaxy map. Let’s just hope he doesn’t get distracted by that science experiment in his lab and take an unscheduled leave of absence for a few years.

The moral of our story here is that our imaginations can run rampant, but if you want to share your dreams with the world at large, be sure to add some thought to the concept. Sith can be pretty awesome in combat, but keep them in the trenches and out of headquarters. Remember, history repeats itself. That’s why the Sith keep losing. Once they get that command thing figured out, well, maybe that’ll be the day.

Until then I’ll keep my Ewok army marching to the war drums of Hutt lordas. The Ewoks certainly trumped the best the Imperials had on Endor’s moon. As for Hutt officers, they know how to run an organization. They have good leadership skills. Just don’t pay attention to all those secret supply movements and the odd behavior of the quartermaster. Or that spice in your ammo crate.

Posted By: Skuldren for Roqoo Depot. Do you dream of Ewoks?

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